Adjustments

This week we talked about marriage proposal, engagement and transitions in marriage. Where I live not very many people talk about these things. Usually people cohabit and don’t really make commitments. Maybe mostly out of not knowing the benefits of marriage but that is not entirely their fault. There are some culture norms of living together and not getting married. I have only been to two weddings my whole life. I also don’t have any close friends that are engaged or married. Thus, it is so different being in an environment where dating, courting, engagement, proposal and marriage is such a thing!

Sometimes I feel like what I am used to is so different. It is a little hard at times to explain to people about what I learn because it is not normal to them. Even with my current relationship and how things are progressing. According to “Mormon” culture we should be engaged and married by December. That does work for some people and but yes not all Mormon people are like that. So, when we learned that the guy is usually committed and proposes to the girl without knowing what her answer would be, was surprising to me. I believe that it is great when the girl is fully surprised, but I also agree that the girl should sincerely consider this huge decision.

She can pray, ponder and even look at the patterns established while they were dating. Since this is a huge decision that affects her and the family it is important that she does all that she can too. A guy submitting by getting down on one knee and putting money in to a ring is a huge step for both. We also talked about how spending a lot of money on a ring is not always the best. Spending more than 2,500 on a ring has a higher risk of the marriage not working out.

Then after the initial yes comes the wedding planning. Some girls have dreamed about their weddings since they were young girls, and some like with me only recently. It is common for people to spend a lot of money on the wedding and rely on the girl’s family to pay for the wedding. Yet, we were advised that as we strive to pay for the wedding for ourselves and plan together as husband and wife the marriage will be lasting. The man and women as they plan together can start establishing the foundation of planning and not spend too much money. Also, the more the people and less money spent the stronger the marriage will be. I believe mostly because the people there at the wedding will be there for them and supportive throughout their lives. This pattern is a great foundation of supportive family/friends, managing money and planning.

When they are finally married they go on to their honeymoon and continue their lives together fully committed. There are new and huge adjustments of the first month of marriage. Some are sharing a bed, bathroom, $tre$$, living, chores, time management and adjustments with children. I would love to talk about all the adjustments, but I will focus on one.

Sharing the bed is huge adjustment. Some people like to sleep in atmospheres like Antarctica or the hot desert. Some people like to sleep in certain types of sheets or even with no blankets. It sounds so exciting to finally sleep by someone and be with them all the time. Some people refer to it as having a sleepover with their best friend. Yet, it is usually harder than what people would think. They must get used to sleeping next to someone, cuddling, not cuddling, space and getting enough rest. I am sure for some it is easier but usually it is quite the adjustment. It is different than sleeping with your sibling.

With these adjustments comes trial and error but also growth. Marriage is a huge commitment but has so many benefits that affect the people and their future family.

Dating, Courtship, Engagement and Marriage

This week’s class was very informative. I didn't learn much about dating, courtship, engagement or marriage growing up. Thus, it was so exciting to find out a lot about what these terms really mean. We live in a "non-dating culture." Most people hang out and are less committed. So, what really is a date? What is hanging out? Well first dating is paid, planned for and paired off. It starts off with someone asking another person on a date. It includes the person who did the asking providing and planning. When a person is picked up for a date either by vehicle or other transportation, it shows respect, genuine interest and safety. These dates involve fun and getting to know the person. Set expectations and talk to your date. Be real with them and see them in different settings. However, dating is NOT courtship.

Hanging out usually includes no effort, no risk, and no responsibility. These hang outs usually involved what people call today "NCMO's" or non-committed make outs.

Okay now to clarify courtship. This step is often skipped in today's norms. It is becoming exclusive and involves defining the relationship. The level of non-sexual intimacy is higher, and the relationship is clear. The advice I have learned in this phase is "don't date someone exclusively if you’re not going to marry them." The intention here is to build a family together.

Engagement is the full commitment. It is a set date or marriage and planning. Not fully focusing on the planning of the wedding but establishing patterns of what the marriage will be like. It does start in the dating phase, but it continues and develops during the engagement. This could involve the couple’s goals, visions and plans.

Finally, what is marriage? It is being lawfully or formally recognized as a union of two people as partners. I’ll explain more on this topic in the coming weeks.

With my limited dating experience, I felt that these clarifications could help so many people in their relationships. Now that I understand more of these terms I know I can approach this important part of life differently. Also, I am not going to lie. I am fiercely independent and feel like "I don't need a guy to take care of me." HOWEVER, that has changed as I have realized that I can be a strong independent woman and still allow a man to cherish and serve me. They aren't always trying to demean, they want to provide.

It is so fun to talk about what people find attractive or what their preferences are. For me, I felt attracted to punk rock looking guys like the guys from 5 Seconds of Summer, but I also love down to earth boys who listen. I mean it is nice to look at these cute guys, but I've realized that my potential spouse needs much more than looks.

Which goes into the filters that most people have. The first one being Physical attractiveness. We make assumptions based on appearance. Yet, the more we get to know the person the level of attraction goes up or down. Maybe they are beautiful, but they have a nasty attitude. The more we have in common, the more we can relate. Relating is good for connections. I believe too that our differences can bring us closer as well. Maybe the person you are with has a strength that can help you. This relationship is so vital because it affects our future families.

We create the relationships we are in. They take effort, energy, submissiveness, trial and error. It's about becoming more with someone.

Love is often misunderstood and is defined in various ways. My favorite definition so far is from M. Scott Peck, "The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another's spiritual growth." (The Road Less Traveled, 1978, p. 81)

Gender Roles and Theories of homosexuality

This week we touched on topics that have had a lot of attention recently. We discussed gender roles and some theories of homosexuality. Before class we studied these topics to get some ideas of what to talk about. We started off with the question of What makes someone Female or Male? Our class came up with some answers of biological factors, sex-typical tendencies and society views. There are biological differences between men and women. Men have more grey matter and women have more white matter. It is common for girls to play house, dolls, with make up and are usually more social. Boys often play more aggressive , with guns, action figures and are competitive. Once in a while a girl will be a "Tom boy" or "One of the guys" as she is playing with them. As well as for a boy who will play house and spend time with the girls. Sometimes people will bully either the boy or girl who is playing with the opposite sex. However, it is a little more acceptable for a tom boy than a boy playing with the girls. Thus, it shows how are society really recognizes the activity and playmate preferences.

In my home although there were not very specific gender roles my parents were examples of what traditional parents do. My mom and dad both worked full time. My mom still did the nurturing , cooking , cleaning and raising of us a majority of the time. My dad was the breadwinner and protector of us. They were open with us and let us do whatever made us happy. Growing up and joining The Church of Jesus Christ when I was 13 really helped me see my role as a woman. It is kind of sad how society thinks that Christianity demeans women and just sees them as house wife. In this church, women have very important roles. We are leaders side by side with our husbands. We raise children but also help in communities. Families are the basic unit of society and that is where change really happens. So being a wife and mother is a huge responsibility. It affects our future generation and even the people around us.

The second topic we went over was something I had little knowledge about. I never really understood what "gay" and "homosexual" meant. Gay is identifying as liking someone of the same gender, usually men. Homosexual is liking someone of the same gender involving sexual relations. I honestly never thought about what really went in to someone being gay. I always thought well it feels natural for me to like men so maybe it's the same for them. When we studied this topic it opened my mind as people have observed this. Some theories include Psychoanalytic theories, social learning theories and interactional theories. The first one is Psychoanalytic theory. Which is the person identifying as gay may have had difficult family relationships , detached disconnect with their father or an over involved mother. Social learning theory is influence of peers and media. As well as high chance of sexual abuse. The Interactional is involvement with peers. With these theories something that I have gathered is that sexual attractions may not be chosen, but responses to those attractions do involve a choice.

With all of these things said I know that God loves all of us. Also, we are all human and deserve to be treated with kindness regardless of our circumstances. Some people make choices that may not align with what God has taught but we should still be kind and considerate.  We can still be firm in our beliefs and love as the Savior did.

Culture

When I first heard of the word "culture" I immediately thought about the culture of where I grew up. However, that is not really what we talked about this week. We talked about our own family cultures. Whether it was our religious values and practices, the culture of our grandparents and the community which our families currently live.

Culture can comprise of attitudes and behavior of a social group. I definitely noticed the culture in my own home a lot more when I moved out of my home and went to college. I also saw it as I moved to California and was surrounded by more people of diverse backgrounds. I saw things that I like and things that I wanted to avoid.

Two aspects of my culture that I would like to carry with me to my future family are : acceptance and perseverance. My family is pretty diverse and we are very open to a lot of people and circumstances. We have a natural attitude to let people in to our lives. I enjoy that about my family because I can see how that makes me love and see people for who they are or could be. Perseverance is huge in my family. We experience heartache and tragedy a lot like most families. However, because of our knowledge of Christ and our love for each other we get through the darkest times together. Even for the people in our family who have struggles with faith we lift them and help them. My maternal grandmother is one of the strongest people I know. As she tells us her experiences of loss, heartache and joy I learn so much resilience from her. Of course we all have something we want to improve in our family culture and mine is communication. For the most part we do well. Yet, I know maybe sometimes we can be passive and that creates tension. A good way to work on communication is increasing love and honesty. Because when people feel your love they want to change. Maybe not right away but real love can help. Something I am doing personally is reaching out and working on my current relationships. I know I can do my part and start the pattern now that could continue on. It is true we can be influence easily but being an influence is more difficult. But it is not impossible!

Tradition is an intergenerational pattern that comes from generation to generation. A tradition that I know is good in my family is that family is important. We all can get caught up in our own lives but at the end of the day we know we can have a family to come home to.  We have a family that we can grow and learn with. I feel my parents emphasizing to me the importance and I want that with my future family. I want them to know they have someone or even a lot of people standing by them.

As we notice the cultures in our families it can help us strengthen our relationships in our families. Also when we hear or get to know other people's culture it helps us to see them and understand them better. I love hearing about people's culture. It shows how diversity can be so amazing.