Dating, Courtship, Engagement and Marriage

This week’s class was very informative. I didn't learn much about dating, courtship, engagement or marriage growing up. Thus, it was so exciting to find out a lot about what these terms really mean. We live in a "non-dating culture." Most people hang out and are less committed. So, what really is a date? What is hanging out? Well first dating is paid, planned for and paired off. It starts off with someone asking another person on a date. It includes the person who did the asking providing and planning. When a person is picked up for a date either by vehicle or other transportation, it shows respect, genuine interest and safety. These dates involve fun and getting to know the person. Set expectations and talk to your date. Be real with them and see them in different settings. However, dating is NOT courtship.

Hanging out usually includes no effort, no risk, and no responsibility. These hang outs usually involved what people call today "NCMO's" or non-committed make outs.

Okay now to clarify courtship. This step is often skipped in today's norms. It is becoming exclusive and involves defining the relationship. The level of non-sexual intimacy is higher, and the relationship is clear. The advice I have learned in this phase is "don't date someone exclusively if you’re not going to marry them." The intention here is to build a family together.

Engagement is the full commitment. It is a set date or marriage and planning. Not fully focusing on the planning of the wedding but establishing patterns of what the marriage will be like. It does start in the dating phase, but it continues and develops during the engagement. This could involve the couple’s goals, visions and plans.

Finally, what is marriage? It is being lawfully or formally recognized as a union of two people as partners. I’ll explain more on this topic in the coming weeks.

With my limited dating experience, I felt that these clarifications could help so many people in their relationships. Now that I understand more of these terms I know I can approach this important part of life differently. Also, I am not going to lie. I am fiercely independent and feel like "I don't need a guy to take care of me." HOWEVER, that has changed as I have realized that I can be a strong independent woman and still allow a man to cherish and serve me. They aren't always trying to demean, they want to provide.

It is so fun to talk about what people find attractive or what their preferences are. For me, I felt attracted to punk rock looking guys like the guys from 5 Seconds of Summer, but I also love down to earth boys who listen. I mean it is nice to look at these cute guys, but I've realized that my potential spouse needs much more than looks.

Which goes into the filters that most people have. The first one being Physical attractiveness. We make assumptions based on appearance. Yet, the more we get to know the person the level of attraction goes up or down. Maybe they are beautiful, but they have a nasty attitude. The more we have in common, the more we can relate. Relating is good for connections. I believe too that our differences can bring us closer as well. Maybe the person you are with has a strength that can help you. This relationship is so vital because it affects our future families.

We create the relationships we are in. They take effort, energy, submissiveness, trial and error. It's about becoming more with someone.

Love is often misunderstood and is defined in various ways. My favorite definition so far is from M. Scott Peck, "The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another's spiritual growth." (The Road Less Traveled, 1978, p. 81)