Advocating for commitment and marriage

                We are living in a time where commitment is becoming less and less a norm for couples. People are constantly being cheated on and sex is casual. It is normal for people to fear being exclusive or having permanence in their relationships. I know it is scary to stay committed but I know that most of us do want what Kim and Kanye West have or Jack and Rebecca on This is Us. Yet, we let fear and hurt keep us from being in permanent or committed relationships.

                It is becoming a norm for people to have a consent-based view of exclusivity and permanency. Exclusivity from a consent-based view is seen as temporary and not lasting. Permanence from this view usually involves one foot in the door and one out the other because feelings and time changes people.

Yes, it is a huge and life changing thing to be in a committed relationship to one person. Yes, it takes time and effort to keep that relationship going. But people think that feelings fade and that it is the end. But love is more than just the feelings. Love involves work, time and energy. It doesn’t see someone as an object or someone as just filling their needs constantly. We are falling in to this ideal world that commitment is bad and all that will happen to me is I will get hurt. But that is what love is, taking a risk and being vulnerable. Not tolerant because love is change and growth.

It is so fascinating how easy it is to not be in an exclusive or permanent relationship. One could go on Tinder and find a hook up. People have Bio’s that literally say, “Hookup only.” This is bad for marriage because if people become casual about sex, dating and relationships, there will be no marriages. This idea is attacking what is the most important relationship people will ever have.

We can see the influence today in the terms people use like, “hooking up, friends with benefits, side piece, and Facebook official.” These terms influence the way people rate commitment level. In a study Richman, Webb, Eicher, Adams, & Troutman, (2017) they were able to determine the commitment level and term together. They found four over-arching themes emerged from the data they collected. They had specific attachments of characteristics of sexual behavior. “No commitment, casual commitment, partial commitment and full commitment” were the levels found.

As we see the levels of commitment being vary vague, we can see that it will be harder to determine if people will get married. Especially if the people do not want commitment at all.

Thus, it is important for us to recognize this culture and make a difference by standing for exlusivity and permanence. They are what help people have healthy and strong relationships in marriage.

Divorce

This week we talked about divorce and remarriage. Which is an interesting topic today. Sometimes people hear these experiences and get scared to marry. We all know someone who is divorced . We can see how that affects them as people and the family. I know that it is challenging to be in a relationship, but divorce does not always have to be the solution. But I can see why people really must do all that they can to prevent divorce and I know that there is help there.

Growing up I could see how divorce affected my friends and family. My parents are still together, and I am so happy that they are. Even through the struggles I can see how them being together keeps our family strong. When I was a senior in high school my grandparents got divorced. It was hard because they were both a part of my life growing up. It did not affect me directly, but times of family gatherings were awkward. Some people in my family resented my grandfather for leaving but I can understand my grandmother not wanting to see him. She told me that she hopes I never have to experience divorce because she spent a lot of her life with him and he just wants to leave. When she told me that I broke inside and knew that was something I never wanted to experience.

States have different rules when it comes to divorce and they try to work with the couple. Sometimes they suggest couple counseling and other ideas to slow down the process. Maybe they sometimes act on impulse and usually people who are divorced regret it. Two years after divorcing up to 70% of Americans say they made a mistake. California was the first state to allow divorces that were not necessarily the three A’s. They were able to have no fault divorce called “irreconcilable differences.” The three A’s are adultery, abuse and alcoholism (drug abuse.) I agree that if your spouse has done any of those three actions then divorce can be brought up. No one deserves to be mistreated in those ways. Marriage is a huge commitment that takes a lot of work and those three actions put a huge barrier between the man and woman. When the relationship is strained that directly affects the children.

Children are at risk to be divorced when their parents have divorced. They also face other challenges as they experience their parents getting a divorce. Young men who grow up without a father are at risk for not finishing school. They usually end up living with one parent or the other and that causes strains on the relationships. There are several stages of divorce. They are emotional, legal, economic, co-parental, and community. These show the different places of the divorce and how they affect the couple and family. I would like to cover all of them, but I will focus on the co-parental one. This involves legal and physical custody. Sometimes the 50/50 parental rights work out and sometimes it doesn’t.

It is especially hard when one of the parents or even both remarry. Children must adjust to the new partner of spouse. Sometimes there is resentment and tension. 62% of these children will during the first 18 years will not live with their original parents. This is where step families, half siblings, remarriage and blended families happen.

Some ideas to help with remarriage and children is that 1. All heavy discipline will be done by birth parent. Just because you married the parent of the children doesn’t mean you have authority. 2. Step parents should be more or less like the fantastic aunt/uncle. These people usually are a support and love them a long the way. 3. Parents council together a lot because it is a different circumstance than before. 4. Be quick to say that you are sorry.

Divorce is tragic and hard on the family. Just remember that it is normal to disagree and have fights. Sometimes people get discouraged because they disagree. It usually takes quite awhile to get used to someone. It takes effort, charity, patience and humor to work things out. We need to continue to adequately examine our pieces instead of just jumping to divorce. Also, if you consider counseling, go to a couple therapist and not an individual. Individual therapist just focuses on the person. A relationship takes two people so that will help them work out their marriage.

Parenting can be great!

This week we talked a lot about parenting. There are many purposes of parenting and ways to be an effective parent. I am not a parent yet but I look forward to it when that day comes. I’m lucky to have had both my mom and dad in my life. They were very authoritative and consistent with that. When I was a teenager, it seemed like they had too many expectations but now I see that their love was always there.

Parenting is different for everyone and with times changing there can be difficulties. But there can also be amazing moments that we can cherish forever.
As human beings we all have needs that need to be meant. When we have these met we will thrive. But before we go into that, I want to add something important. I believe with my recent studies and pondering, one of the best ways to be an effective parent is to love your spouse with all your heart and mind. That relationship will do miracles in families. With that tight bond or connection, they will be able to face anything. The love, resilience, dedication and devotion will affect the children.
So yeah! Just an important reminder before moving on to more parenting stuff. Some tips to keep in mind are consistency, rules, and love. When we have high expectations backed up with love, we can see our children not only survive but also thrive. When we see children that have potential but also with human flaws, we can help them. We can be patient with their faults but guiding and loving to support them.

People, children, all of us need human contact and belonging. People regardless of the way they may put on or show need that love. It can be with words, touch, quality time or different creative ways. Sometimes we can see the mistaken approach when people seek attention in undue ways like whining, crying, anger or outrage. Parents can offer contact freely and then teach their children how to do the same for others. The second need a person needs is power. The mistaken approach for power is trying to control others or rebellion against authority. The parent approach to this is to teach responsibility. Responsibility can be taught when the parents give the child choices and consequences. The responsibility is learned when they respond and their ability to react to the options given. These bounds or options help guide the children. The third need is protection. We all have this sense of needing protection. The child may make the mistake of trying and seek revenge or hurt people. The parent can be assertive but also be forgiving and loving. The fourth is withdrawal. It is okay to withdrawal and to step away from things. The child may try and be avoidant or push away everything. The parent in these certain circumstances can teach the children to take a break and have a mental or even physical health day. It is okay to take a break and get yourself together. The fifth is challenges. It is in our nature to seek a challenge, to become something better or something more. It can be a little risky when a child feels like they need to take leap or do something hazardous. However, the parent can help them build skills or invite them to do something they are good at and find new hobbies. These skills will help them as they engage in good things.

Involve your children. Spend time with them but also don’t be afraid to let them experience life. We can do our part by setting rules and letting them know that if they fall they can get back up and try again. Teach them principles and share experiences.Sometimes discipline or punishment is necessary. However, we have to love them first and then remind them and involve them in their consequences. Be firm but also willing to work.
We can help make a difference in people’s lives. But I believe it starts within the home. We can help make a difference in children’s lives and they can in turn help the community and even nation.

Breadwinner

This week we talked about fathers. My father is the most hard working man I know. He is the “breadwinner” and provides for us. We had a family of six growing up. Mom, dad, Lyle, Lyman, Lynsey and I. I remember dad working a lot but he was also home at the end of the day. He has had his job for over 30 years and has worked his way up to his position. He didn’t finish high school but has made a way to provide for our family. I love all that he has and does for us. With his example of hard work and family values, I’ve found a role model for a spouse.
We live in a world where fathers are usually still the breadwinner but it is also common for women now to work. With all of these changes in the economy and life in general we can see how this has an affect on the family. When both parents work and are gone a lot we can see the effects on marriage and children. Maybe the children get caught up in bad habits, or parents have marital problems.
We see in old movies when families lived and worked on a farm they were happy together. That was not only their lifestyle, it was how they made a living. Before the industrial revolution, we could see how common it was for women to clean the home, do laundry , made food and take care of the children. The father would run the farm and children would also tend to the farm. They had work time before play time.
Before we studied and discussed father’s and finances this week I thought about my role in my future family. I want to be able to provide for my family as well and work. Yet when we talked about how two incomes is not always better than one, it opened my mind. Women today might feel meaningless when they are home taking care of children and doing housework. But I’ve realized that one of the most meaningful things a mother can do is teach her children how to love, communicate, feel secure, and more. I loved growing up and coming home and knowing my mom was there.
When a father provides, protects and presided over his family, there will be happiness. The mother also having an equal role can create an atmosphere of great possibilities. This doesn’t mean the father is not involved in house chores or tending the children. He also can do dishes, laundry, play with the children and more.
Sometimes this family ideal sounds so old fashioned or unrealistic. However, these expectations and patterns will help us have a good family life. Of course finances might be tight at times but hard work will pay off. These times can bring the family closer.
For me, it will take a lot of faith and hard work to stay at home. As a woman, I want to get a degree and work. But I also want to be a mother and raise a family. Just recently I have come to realize I don’t have to choose either or. I don’t have to choose education over a family or a career over family. I can have them all as I consider the fact of time. It is great to be educated and get a degree. Heaven forbid anything happen to my future husband but if it happens I can have a degree to help me get a job. It is also great to have knowledge to share with children. I can also work from home or find other ways to make means. But with marriage and family being a priority means greater happiness.

Communication!

 

We live in a world where there are a lot of different types of communication. Sometimes we don’t know what things mean. There may be misunderstanding and hurt feelings. However, don’t people say if you communicate more relationships will improve? That is partly true! When there is effective communication it does help relationships. We all understand differently, so it is important for us to learn people’s communication. Communication is 14% words, 51% nonverbal and 35% tone. We all communicate through social media now. It is faster, easier and connects people from afar. Although it is still important to work on our face to face communication.

In the Native culture, humor is a way that people communicate. We tease each other a lot but do not do it to hurt the people we are teasing. There is also a lot of slang that people are picking up to communicate with each other. For example, “jini,” means “they say.” Which I think is funny because it is like teasing but also portraying something someone said. Humor signifies one’s love for another. It also shows how light hearted the people are. Movies often portray Native people as not being able to understand English and just shouting nonsense or smoke signals. However, we are more than what is in the movies. We talk to each other and show love through different ways.

Another communication type that is typical in Native culture is through facial expressions. We often know when our mother’s or grandmothers are upset with us. We call it the ‘Native glare.’ In that moment we know we are in big trouble and we are going to be punished.

When I thought about these communication types, I realized I have carried them with me. Even the ones that my parents have done. A specific example is being passive. My mom is passive to my dad and gives him the silent treatment too. I have realized that even the silent treatment is a form of communication. It is being silent to someone because they made you upset, sad or angry. This is still showing them the way you feel. You can miscommunicate by not communicating. The person who is receiving the silence may be oblivious or dying inside because you are not telling them.

But with all that I have learned this week is that communication takes work. We can really be kind and thoughtful in lifting others up. Of course, I think we can have fun and tease, but it is important for our communication to be positive. It is empowering for people to hear words of encouragement, love and praise. It is also important to be a good listener in a world where everyone wants to be overpowering. Listening is also important in communication.

We also do our part by clarifying what we really mean. When we realize that sometimes people seem offensive, they are in all honesty just playing defense. People want to be understood. Thus, when we have our eyes wide open and see them as people that can change the way we understand them. We don’t have the right to tell someone they are in the wrong when we don’t know where they are coming from. It is good for us to stand up for what is right, but we can do that in a loving way.

Thus, in our own families we realize communication is important. It helps us see each other from their perspective but also have new one’s in our lives. If you see someone as less threatening it can help you in that relationship. We need to also communicate when we are in a good state. Anger makes 1/3 of the brain shut off. That then makes it harder to communicate. In those moments it is best to breathe and even say “we can discuss this later.” There are many different way and we can learn them as we are open minded and willing to learn. Communication is a fundamental but with other factors can be powerful.

STRESS

As I read the material and studied stress this week, it helped me change my perspective. The word stress itself makes me feel stressed. It also makes me think about what am I stressing about right now? I usually stress about the normal things of money, relationships, school and the future. What I have learned is that it is okay to stress about these things. Stress is good and when used correctly can help us grow. If we lived a careless life with no boundaries, we would not learn. Thus, stress is strain. It is like when a muscle needs strain to be strong. If the muscle is not worked and strained, then it would just be weak or limp. I don’t remember it was from but in class we said, “Ease is one of the greatest disease.”

Benefits come from difficulties and Crisis. Crisis in the Chinese culture is danger but also opportunity. When we see it as an opportunity, it can help us approach it for a benefit. Stress Is necessary to strengthen the structure and even our family structures. Family stresses are difficult. They really suck and are hard on everyone. Some of the common family stressors are finances, divorce, father/mother dying, job loss, and medical problems.

We talked about how A+B+C = X. So how does this relate to stress? The A is the actual event, B is both how the family uses the resources and responds, C is cognition and X is the experience. Some resources that the family can use are talents, family members, church, and professional help. Cognition is the thoughts about the event.

In these events that we all face at someone point in our lives we can change our perception of it. It will probably not be any easier but whenever we face the next challenge we can know better how to approach and use our resources. It can expand our vision. We can see it as an opportunity to strengthen our family. We can’t let one moment define our lives. The experiences we go through can help us become something more.

I think one of the biggest things I have been through in my life was leaving my family for 18 months. I only talked to them once a week and got to skype them on Christmas and Mother’s Day. It was hard to leave them and trust that they were going to be okay. It was a growing experience for the both of us. There were a lot of heartaches with deaths in the family, medical problems and relationship problems. Just a little background about my family, we all didn’t really talk to each other much. Yet, they supported me when I went to California. Then, one day I got an email from my mom telling me of the event that occurred in my family. My father was in the ICU for one week. At first, he was acting weird and was ill, so they took them to the hospital. They didn’t know what was wrong with him, but they found out he had meningitis. Which is not good at all and could be life threatening. However, it was a huge blessing that they were able to treat him as soon as they found out. As this was going on, I had no idea. My father’s family were all there together and were still acting a little petty towards each other. But with this crisis happening my grandmother talked to my family and told them they needed to stop. She told them we are family and we need each other. I am forever grateful for her words. In that moment even though I was not there, my family came together. My dad is an incredible man. If we lost him that would’ve been devastating but my family turned to their resources. They turned to each other, turned to prayer and trust in God.

That was a huge moment in my family and now we all talk. We spend more time together and let go of the past. It took something huge to change that, but I am glad we have each other. Stress sucks and is such a pain. However, it can be used for good. Families can be strengthened through the storms.

Marital Intimacy

There are so many patterns that people can develop in their relationships. Some with their parents, siblings, friends and spouses. Thus, wouldn’t we want to establish good patterns in our lives? Well, yes!

The pattern we learned about this week was marital intimacy and the significant differences in this vital factor. As well as the stages of sexual relations, challenges of sexual intimacy that may arise and opportunities.

This topic is somewhat touchy or uncommon for parents to have with their children. However, if we slowly and honestly teach our children they can learn correct patterns. Sexual/Marital intimacy is important to healthy relationships; thus, it is a good thing to talk about. It is so easy to get caught up in what the world teaches about sex. We live in a “sexualized” world. We hear sexual content in music, see it on television, movies and can access it on our social media sites. With these fantasies, unrealistic expectations and faults people can be disappointed and discouraged.

I will go over a brief overview that is important for people to know about sex. There are four stages in both male and female. They go through the same stages but at different paces. The first stage is arousal/excitement. This involves the heart rate and blood increasing with digestion going down. Males have an erection and female’s vaginal muscles relax while lubricating. Their nerves change at different phases as well. The next stage is Plateau which is usually shorter for men and longer with women. Climax or orgasm is the third stage. The people feel these normally at different times. It is rhythmic contractions and pleasure. A woman could have multiple orgasms but varies as well. The last stage is the refractory stage. In this stage things calm down and is a recover from the sex. While this is taking place, the bodies are experiencing serotonin, dopamine and in women oxytocin.

With this experience there are some challenges. Some of these could be misunderstanding, being offended, mistrust because of previous partner, fear, confusion of each other’s body, discomfort, inferior to what they expected, unrealistic expectations, painful, selfishness and pornography.

Yet, there are also some opportunities to overcome these challenges. There can be more open communication about what the person wants and needs. It brings the couple closer and bonds them. It involves some planning and preparing to discuss this important relationship. It can bring opportunities of unselfishness in the couple’s relationship. More openness, unity and accommodation.

When we consider these challenges and opportunities of sexual relationships we can help our children. With all the filth and unrealistic ideas of sex our children can be led astray. Thus, when we establish patterns when they are young they can know that when they are married this can be an amazing experience for them. Martial intimacy is good and when help within the bounds of marriage it is fulfilling.

Growing up I didn’t ever talk about these things with my parents. Also, my peers did not know a whole lot about these things. A lot of people were participating in sexual relations and I could see the struggles that came with not knowing much. People were often hurt and felt used. Some people were left single moms and others with having to drop out. At the time it would have been helpful for them and me to know that those feelings were natural. As well as that there are ways we can control or even be safe when it comes to sex. When people are not aware of these things a lot of heartache happens. But as we take responsibility as parents and future parents we can help our families.